The Cost of An Apology
Apologies are, in many ways, simple; we do wrong, and as penance we offer sentiments of humility to the ways we’ve hurt those around us. In other ways, apologies can be nuanced, complex, and hard to do successfully. The following are some thoughts I have about what an apology costs us given the perspective of receiving an apology. Disclaimer
This is an opinion piece, and it’s probably meaningful that my background be considered while consuming my opinions about social interactions. Sometimes We’re Wronged
As humans go about their lives having feelings and trusting others with those feelings, the number of ways we find ourselves the subject of hurtful circumstances can’t be understated. Our partners, friends, and collaborators make us feel ignored, undervalued, or isolated. It is in these situations (of having our feelings hurt) that we find there may be an apology owed to us. Here we find our first “cost”:
We need to give ourselves to understanding “was I wronged?”
This is a labor that’s fraught for many. If we are lucky, we’ve spent more time with people who have empowered us to trust ourselves and seek our own justice. Many of us aren’t so fortunate and, as a result, we must jump through emotional hoops in order to understand if we should be advocating for ourselves. Arguably, this is our second “cost”.
Many of us are dealing with years of dysfunction-driven self-image dynamics that must be worked with
In the scenarios we’ve determined that we would like an apology, we then have additional effort that’s required to determine if seeking our justice is even worthwhile:
We must give labor to understanding if an apology would be something we would give our time to
It’s hard to know if we’ll be able to trust those that have wronged us to speak truth to our experience. On the one hand, we’ll “go out on a limb” in hopes of being rewarded for placing our trust in the same person whose behavior was a contributor to our hurt. On the other hand, we’ll find ourselves needing to self-soothe because the risk of opening ourselves to more hurt is too much. This is our last big “cost”.
We must now choose to either trust, or we must self-soothe(or compartmentalize - if that’s your thing) So, What now?
I’m sure that there are additional and more articulate ways to frame the expense of receiving an apology. What I hope to drive home is that we are always entitled to protect ourselves. In scenarios that we’ve been hurt, we don’t owe anybody the opportunity to apologize. Be that as it may, I often try to encourage myself and those around me to give others the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, in addition to being hurtful, our collaborator(s) aren’t good at giving apologies. At the very least, if they are willing to be patient and are capable of understanding, we can do a lot to support reinforcing bonds with others through this kind of emotional work.
We all have learning to do. I hope that we learn in ways in which we consistently find and refine our truth.
Em